Being successful in retirement planning is more than just understanding how the numbers fit together. You have to have the right mindset to successfully employ the principles of financial planning over a long period of time. Retiring well is more like a three-legged triathlon than 25-yard race.
I’ve had the blessing of reading dozens of leadership books, listening to motivational speakers at conferences and executive retreats, and have shared thousands of captivating hours of conversation with my intelligent and leadership-minded spouse over the 25+ years of married life we’ve shared. A couple of years ago I had the opportunity to listen to a motivational speaker at a leadership event hosted by my employer. The speaker shared a novel concept that uniquely changed the way I view my present circumstances.
The speaker introduced the idea that the stories we tell ourselves may be closer to works of fiction than true-life biographical novels.
I started paying attention to the stories I told myself. When a driver cut me off in traffic, I started to pause before reacting with emotion. I attempted to employ curiosity and practice honesty with the story in my head. Is it really true that the other driver is a jerk? What if the driver was distracted because he was rushing a sick child to the hospital – could I honestly say there was malice directed personally towards me in their action? Could I be absolutely certain that he intended to slight me?
The stories we tell ourselves are powerful, because they are delivered unbidden into our mind in the most convincing voice possible – our own.
We may send a difficult or urgent email or text message to someone and when they don’t immediately respond, we tell ourselves a story to fill in the absence of information. The person didn’t respond because they are mad at us, or our situation isn’t as urgent to them as it is to us – so obviously they don’t care about us.
We may receive an email or text from someone and then tell ourselves the story behind the words. We may read the message using different tones, first sad, then angry, or maybe even indifferent – trying each tone , one by one, until we are confident we understand the hidden message behind the words themselves.
This way of thinking is flawed because regardless of how well we may know someone – we’re not clairvoyant. The stories we tell ourselves are just that – stories, read like audio books in our head where we are the main character and everyone else is an NPC, subject to the actions and emotions we dictate.
Rewriting Our Stories
Sometimes the most powerful stories are the ones where we are the only character. These are typically stories that we’ve told ourselves so many times, that have become personal best sellers. We take them down from our mental bookshelves and quote their scripture and verse verbatim as if they are a mantra to keep our actions in line with our character flaws.
For example, we may tell ourselves that we can’t sing, that we’re not good at public speaking, or that we too young or too old to make a difference. Regardless of how self-confident we are, unless we’re a certifiable narcissist with an egotistical superiority complex, each of us tell ourselves stories highlighting our greatest self-perceived weaknesses. We memorize words and phrases, oftentimes associating negatively charged emotions so that we are sure to never forget their truths and thus sabotage ourselves from changing or circumstances.
Afterall, we all know that the words on the page of a published book don’t change – unless we publish another edition of the book. If we change the words we use, we can change the stories we tell ourselves.
- Principle: New thoughts lead to new actions, which lead to new outcomes.
- Principle: Each of us have power within ourselves to make changes.
Remember – you only get to fix the mistakes you own. If the mistake is aways someone else’s problem then you’ll never be empowered enough to fix it. Instead of choosing to give up your power, keep and use it to change your circumstances.
You CAN Change
Many of us have heard the saying, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks”. This is not backed by science. Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to change and adapt its structure and function in response to new experiences and advances in understanding of how the brain works have proven that anyone can change – regardless of age.
Some of us use the story “this is just who I am” as a crutch or excuse for not wanting to use our power to make changes in our life. The truth is it’s often far too easy or convenient to give our power over to “circumstance”, “culture”, or “upbringing” than it is to identify ways we can improve. It’s hard to exert effort to make changes over time.
Recognizing and Changing a Story
If you find yourself (or others) speaking about a circumstance in absolute terms – you might be telling yourself a story. If you tell yourself, “I’ll never be as fast as the others on the swim team” – you are listening to a story where you are main character giving up your power to change.
While you may not be able to immediately change the outcome (aka physically swim faster), you can change the words of your story – but make sure you tell the truth. “Others may be faster but I will improve over time. I can do this.”
Axiom 2 – Visualize your future. Write a new story.
Axiom 1 – Start now! Listen to your internal stories with curiosity and practice honesty.